It used to be that a good marriage is one where the spouses never fight, yield to each other, and do not get involved in conflicts. However, today`s experts in marital relations hold a different point of view.
Conflict-free marriages do not happen in nature. Even sincerely loving each other spouses occasionally bust up. However, this does not indicate a family’s unhappiness at all, on the contrary, it says that their feelings are alive, and the relationship is constantly evolving. Avoiding disagreement is impossible, because a person is conflicting by nature, and outwardly, this is exactly what is expressed in fighting. Behavior in the moment of conflict depends on temperament, upbringing, and habits. Some react violently, emotionally, others – restrained, diplomatically, while some can simply discharge the atmosphere with a funny joke.
In many families, spouses conflict constantly, but at the same time, they excel themselves and do not even think of getting divorced. Fighting gives them the opportunity to speak out, get emotional relaxation, better understand each other, and, as a result, become even closer. The secret of the “right” fighting is that a feeling of love for a partner motivates it, and we should not forget that there are always elements of hatred in love. We love a person and at the same time hate the qualities that prevent him from looking dignified (laziness, stubbornness, cowardice, etc.).
Any conflict carries a destructive force, but if it is based on caring for the spouse and willing to help him, the relationship will not be destroyed but will become clearer and more understandable.
As an example, there are two directly opposite models of family argument: Italian and Scandinavian. Italians usually express their feelings noisily and temperamentally: they shout, tear their hair out, and throw the crockery around. However, after venting, they calm down quickly and often experience a new set of feelings. The restrained Scandinavians rarely express their claims directly, preferring to keep the emotions inside.
In this case, the conflict is not resolved but goes into a persistent form. The result is obvious: for several decades, the seemingly prosperous Scandinavian countries are leading in terms of the number of divorces and suicides. That is why experts on marriage relations warn: silence is not always good. Sometimes it is better to express your displeasure with a partner openly.
Spouses often reproduce the model of the behavior of parents in their own families. If parents were fighting often and noisily, the chances that the grown-up children will do the same are high. If they conceded each other and tried to come to a compromise – the style of relations in the families of children will also be different.
The first years of family life are the most intense. Small fighting breaks out for nothing every now and then. The reason can be the household habits of a partner, his gastronomic inclinations, etc.
However, there are situations when the conflict has serious grounds. There is no universal formula for behavior in a conflict situation. Everything depends on the temperament of the partners and the relationships that have developed in the family. The main thing is a constructive approach. First, you need to decide what result you expect from this conversation. What is its purpose? Nobody likes being scolded. Such a conflict is destructive in nature. The goal of a constructive argument is to reach a compromise, to reach an agreement.
Choose the right time for the conversation. Do not postpone it until late at night, when everyone is tired. Choose the moment when you are both free and in a good mood. It is possible to agree preliminary: “I would like to discuss with you one problem, when and where we could do this?” The partner should feel that you are ready to compromise already at the stage of preparation.
It is not necessary to talk in the kitchen, much better – in a neutral place, for example, in a cafe or park. This will give an opportunity to look at the situation from the outside. Avoid tears and complaints. Be calm, reasonable, justify your words and actions. If during a conversation you feel that you are breaking down, lose control of yourself – it is better to interrupt for a while and go back to the conversation when you calm down.
Open conflicts, when partners make claims directly, are good in a way that they immediately clarify the situation. The danger is that in acute confrontations on both sides, too many negative emotions are splashed out. A “correct” fight is more like a candle flame, where everything superfluous, all-embracing, burns out, but true values-love, respect for each other-remain unshakable.
It is in vain to think that the gift that was presented after the fight will exhaust the conflict. Relations cannot be cured by financial injections. Indeed, a pleasant surprise will help to smooth an unpleasant residue after a shallow disagreement. However, if it is based on a serious reason – for example, adultery – a gift does not eliminate the cracks in the relationship. It is necessary to talk frankly, to understand the reasons for what happened. If such a model of behavior takes root, the pair can come to the opposite result.
Do not forget that s small fight can grow like a snowball. Do not aggravate it with cavils and snide remarks. It is better to take care of each other and refrain from conflicts. Apply the tactic of softening the edges and try to do the things that please your partner.
Melisa Marzett is a clever and talented woman, who knows everything about professional writing. Check for her posts at http://royalediting.com/ and you will see that writing can be fascinating!